If I Die Before I Wake
by BitterIris
Summary: Itachi has spent his time wondering why his family hasn't noticed his existence since he graduated. He wonder's why Shisui is the only one who will talk to him and his loving little brother only looks his way on a rare occasion but almost always starts crying for his parents. But what he finds out is worse than he could have ever imagined for himself


I just wanted to cling to the little bit of hope I had left. It was lonely here; I had no body around. Each day was another twinge of pain to my heart as I woke up and a hollow feeling that hung around me as I fell asleep each night. No one noticed me no matter what I tried. I graduated a few years early, got a day filled with congratulations, but the next day it was as if nothing happened. It was as if I didn't even exist. I dreaded what tomorrow would be meeting my team captain, the women who would be training me as well as two others from now on. I let myself think about what it would be like to be forced to be noticed as my eyes shut.

Wondering down past my parent's room first thing in the morning wasn't too hard to do. They were deep sleepers; I could fall down in the kitchen and knock something over without them noticing. Or even down the stairs landing right in front of my younger brother's door and none of them would even stir. It was truly as if I didn't exist, as if every noise I made was as insignificant as the wind blowing, lightly swaying pebbles slightly. There wasn't any need to move for a wind so light; no need to care or worry.

I remember when my mother and father would congratulate me and treat me like a prodigy. That was two months ago. Two months without the slightest bit of caring or nurture. Two months without a hug, a good night kiss or the slightest sign of love and caring. It was two months without seeing my little brother cry and my family rush to him whenever I went to go see him. He had never cried when I would willingly go to play games with him before. He would usually cling to my side lovingly, his eyes begging for all of my attention. I always gave it to him when I was free; I love my little brother.

Mother seemed off lately, as if she was just going through the motions of the day. She didn't cry but I could see in her eyes that she wanted to every time I saw her. My cheery, loving, protective mother ever having to deal with depression and pain was something I never thought I would have to see. It was hard watching her struggle to cook, clean, and take care of our family. It was as if each day was just near impossible for her to live through. Each moment seemed like death was an actual option and I could see the knife she held when she would chop food would sometimes cause a glint in her eyes. I would scream 'mother' whenever she would look like that. She would just drop it and cry as if I wasn't there.

Father hid in his office more often. Whenever out family members would come by they would have to keep it short since he never seemed to pay attention. He'd let me stay there now though. It was as if he didn't notice my presence though. It was odd and, though sometimes I had wished he wouldn't praise me so much in the past, heart breaking. He just didn't seem like he wanted to pay attention to anyone anymore. His eyes looked almost as if they were hollow. As if something had drowned the light from his life, just like my mother.

I sighed to myself and rummaged around the kitchen for something to eat. A few slices of toast, some grape jam and a small cup of green team seemed like it would fill me up for the time being. I could go get some ramen with Shisui after the meeting. His parents had been treating him the same lately; ignoring us as if we weren't there. We still had each other though.

"Mama!" A scream rose from my brother's door.

Quickly, my mother rushed down the stairs, as if she wouldn't make it in time to help my brother with what he needed.

I wondered to the door and watched her cradle him, running her long white fingers through his raven hair. Tears streamed down his pale cheeks as he cuddled close, whimpering something I couldn't quite here. He sounded almost as if we were all underwater. Everything seemed to sound like that lately.

She walked right passed me as if I wasn't there. Didn't try moving to the side for me or asking me to move. Instead, I did just before she could hit me.

"Sasuke… Who made this?" she peered at the small boy in her arms.

Sasuke's coal eyes met mine. "Big brother Itachi did! He's right there!" He started crying again, reaching out for me with his little arms.

My mother's eyes looked towards me. She didn't seem to be looking at me but through me. I could feel my own set of tears forming as her back turned to me and she tried to sooth my brother, tossing my stuff out. I looked at the trash seeing m breakfast sit on top.

'_Why…_'

"Big brother seems sad too Mama…" Sasuke whined as he looked at me.

My mother placed him down and, for the first time in two months, Sasuke ran to me. I held my arms out happily accepting his warmth. But it never hit me. What I got was more of a punch in the gut. Sasuke fell and when I went to catch him I found that I couldn't touch him. His body went right through mine and he landed on my feet.

Sasuke popped his head up and looked around eagerly. "Where did big brother go? He was here a minute ago," his coal eyes filled with tears, "big brother left me again."

"No he didn't sweetie," my mother held Sasuke close to her chest, voice cracking as she struggled to hold tears back, "your brother will always be right here as long as you remember him. Itachi loves you too much to ever leave you."

"What do you mean…? I… I… I'm right here!" I shouted reaching out to hug her.

Just like with Sasuke I fell right through her. I quickly jumped back as I panicked, looking at her in horror.

"Big brother and Shisui are swimming still right?" Sasuke asked through whimpers.

"Yes… They're both still swimming where they are now…" My mother said in a gentle voice.

Suddenly I had realized what had happened. I didn't want to believe it but I knew. As I ran to the living room and dug though the newspapers they hadn't thrown away in a while I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. It was a deep feeling of horror that I could feel creeping up inside of me. As I feared, there it was. A grim feeling came over me as I read the article.

**Uchiha Prodigies Found Dead in Lake**

"_Itachi Uchiha, 8, and Shisui Uchiha, 10, were found dead in Lake Konoha yesterday afternoon in what's believed to be an accident. Both boys, according to the younger boy's mother Mikoto Uchiha, had left to go swimming earlier the day promising to return in a few hours. What the family got instead was nothing short of a heart break. A fisherman passed by the two boys floating bodies. Shisui had been found dead on the spot; Itachi had died just before medics could arrive on the scene. An autopsy is being performed to see if drowning was the cause of death or if it was the cause of foul play."_

I shook as I read each word. "I… I… I'm dead?"

"We both are…"

I jumped when I heard Shisui's voice coming from behind me. I looked at him, staring into his black eyes with disbelief.

"I didn't want to tell you… you needed to find out for yourself…. I watched you slip from your body, you trying so hard to cling on…. I cried praying that you would have stayed there… that you would have lived…"

"How did we-"

"I don't know," Shisui interrupted, "they deemed it foul play. Your father is the one doing the investigation…"

I opened my mouth but words wouldn't come out. They refused to make noise. I couldn't understand what was going on and yet I believed it to be true. I didn't want to think that this could possible happen but I remembered swallowing mouthfuls of water and feeling it clog my ears. Why everything sounded as if it was underwater made more sense now. Why everyone was ignoring me started making perfect sense. All of it was so real, so true, and yet I still tried to force myself to refuse it. To believe that I was still alive and that all of this was just a bad dream. That I would wake up and be in my bed with the plan to see Shisui and go to the lake to celebrate my graduating.

But that would never happen and I knew it. I was dead, a ghost, something that the world would never be able to see or hear. I was someone that would never be able to hold on to someone else, or love, or be loved again.

Then it dawned on me; that wasn't true! Sasuke was able to see me even if it was just for a brief moment! He knew I was here and he could tell! But he cried every time he saw me… He raced for me this time but who was I to say that would happen again… Maybe he would never run to me again if he saw me and instead just go to our mother crying…

I wasn't anything real to them anymore… I wasn't a physical being that they could touch and hold onto… I wasn't anyone anymore… I was just a memory now that they'd struggle to hold on to but one day have to let go of and poof… it would be as if I wasn't ever there… as if I had never even existed…

"Itachi…"

"Why…"

I started to shake as tears fell down my cheeks. This wasn't fair! What did the two of us ever do to end up like this? What caused this two happen?

"Why were we targets Shisui and to who? We're just kids! This is a time of peace not war! Why were we killed by someone? Who would ever do such a horrible thing?"

"You know as well as I do that there are bad people out there Itachi; people who kill for no reason. It's the flaw in every human. There's always a flaw, no matter who you are. Even in someone as perfect as you, the pacifist in the family of fighters…"

I knew what he meant. I was never one to fight unless it was to protect someone I cared for. I just wasn't that person, not after the war that killed so many.

"We need to go Itachi…"

"What do you mean?"

"To the other side… It's where we belong now…"

I looked around at my house. I didn't want to leave. I wasn't done with this life. I needed to know what happened to the both of us, why we were thrown into the lake to die. I couldn't remember what had happened to me, what caused this to happen. I wanted to scream I was so frustrated with the fact that I couldn't figure out why this all happened! How could I not know how my own death went down? How could I not know why I wasn't alive anymore?

"I'm not going Shisui. I'm going to stay here and help them figure out what happened."

"Itachi I know what you mean but there's nothing we can do now."

"There has to be Shisui! And I'm going to find it out."

I stared right into his eyes as I spoke letting him know just how determined I was to find out the truth behind all of this. I wouldn't just accept that I was dead. No, there had to be a reason behind it. There was a reason behind it. And I wasn't going to leave until I found out what it is.

I felt a small bit of warmth behind me. I turned, shielding my eyes as a bright light glowed around Shisui. A smile played on his lips. "Well when you find out come and tell me alright? I'll be waiting for you… Good luck Itachi… See ya…"

And with that the light was gone, and so was Shisui.

I started to cry hard as I fell to my knees. Even if we were both dead I could feel somewhere in me that I was lonely especially since Shisui had chosen to move on instead of staying here with me, helping me find out what caused all this. Didn't he want to know why he was killed as well?

No, that wasn't who Shisui was. He wasn't one to push into things that weren't meant to be pushed into by him. Even if he wanted to know his mind had decided that there was no way he could help out, so he decided to wait on the side lines.

'_I'll be there as soon as I can Shisui… Just wait for me on the other side of that light…'_

I turned towards the kitchen and walked in, seeing my little brother sitting by the table finally calm as my mother was cooking him breakfast. She seemed a bit calmer than usual, as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders somehow. A small hum was even escaping her lips. I was happy to see this; happy that she seemed to be in a better mood, but at the same time I didn't understand why. I looked into her eyes then and realized this was still all just an act; she was still depressed but refused to show it around Sasuke. She needed to be strong for him right now. She didn't need her only son left that this was hurting her so badly deep down inside. He was little and didn't truly know what happened to me. All he knew was that big brother wasn't coming home ever again to play with him.

I sat behind him and held him to me, knowing that he wasn't able to feel my arms around him and that I wouldn't be able to feel his warmth. Still I cuddled him and held him to me just wishing he could feel it and know that I was there right now.

I looked back to my mother and watched her intently, analyzing everything she was doing. Even if Sasuke was there I knew there might be that glint in her eyes when she saw the knife and the thought would pass through her mind again, even if just for a brief moment, and I wanted to make sure that she wouldn't do it. There was enough loss in the family right now; losing her might shatter my brother and my father's hearts. The mighty Uchiha's would all be brought down to nothing but tears and heart break.

Just like my family seemed to be right now.

I wondered outside; rain was falling onto the ground forming small puddles. I listened to it tapping against the side of the house as I stood there, wishing I could feel it against my skin right now. I wanted to feel the chills rain caused, wanted to feel the water running down my skin like sweat, wanted to clearly hear it. Even as it tapped against the window it just sounded like water tapping against water.

A small cat ran by; a little black one. For just a moment it looked at me. For that moment I felt as if I was there. But animals don't trust ghost at all, they just see them and run or hiss. I thought it was just a saying but no, it was true.

'_Even to animals that can see me I'm nothing… If I can't bring them food I guess that means I'm nothing to them…'_

I could feel sadness slowly consuming me and before I knew it I was in a room of pure darkness. There was nothing here, nothing that I could see, I was blind to the world that was previously filled with life around me.

"Little Uchiha why do you look so glum?"

I looked behind me, searching for where the voice came. Nothing, just a vase land of darkness stood there looming over me. There was nothing I could see but I could hear so much; the sound of my heart beating in my head, my breath coming in soft but fast pants as I could feel panic slowly beginning to settle in. I was scared; for once I could admit that I was truly scared of this. The war didn't scare me but scarred me, the world that I grew up it didn't haunt me but caused me to explore it, the new people that I've encountered, the training I've endured, none if it caused me to feel fear but this, this darkness, this feeling of loneliness when I could hear someone's voice and I couldn't see their face, darkness and blindness caused me to feel fear.

"Now, now young one, don't be scared. You've come here yourself, did you not? A feeling of loneliness and depression filling such a young soul when there's still so much he has left to do, even know that he no longer has a physical form."

"W-what do you m-mean?"

I hadn't noticed it before but I could feel it now as my voice broke. Tears streamed down my cheeks, and as they splashed on the ground it sounded almost as if it was water dripping in the sewers creating an echo around me that seemed to go on forever. It just happened again and again as I felt my knees start to get heavy bringing me slowly down to the ground until I was kneeling, shaking. It was as if a stronger power was pushing me farther and farther into this world of darkness and there was no where I could turn to for help.

"Well, you still have a destiny to fulfill young one. Those who chose not to follow their destiny, those who give up on life, end up here in this world; even when your life has been taken from you that does not mean that the light in your soul must vanish. There are new things that you must continue to accomplish even from here! The young sometimes play an important role in helping those who are still living, still breathing and have a physical form. It's actually quiet an important role."

My eyes wondered towards where the voice was coming, at least where I thought it was coming from. "T-Tell me…"

"Nosy little one aren't we? Well young Uchiha I do believe that is up to you to figure out. I've already said more than enough. Consider this a warning young one, because next time I won't use this to pull you out of the darkness, you'll be stuck here for good if you don't find a way out yourself."

With that the voice vanished, fading into the distance, and I could feel my eyes getting heavy as I fell unconscious.

When I awoke I was in my bedroom, laying there under the sheets just resting. The moon shined through the window creating a small light on my bedroom floor. _'What happened?'_

My head was pounding loudly, confining me to the mattress in fear that if I moved it would get worse. But I was dead; I shouldn't be able to be in pain, should I? I tangled myself in my sheets embracing their warmth. But that was something else I shouldn't have been able to do. It's all the stuff I was accustomed to over the last month in which I had no one to talk to, no one to pay attention to me and tell me they loved me, but I could still feel the pain of it all, the comfort of y bed after having to deal with it, the emptiness that seemed to vanish in my dreams.

Dreams… Those were meant for the living; not for me anymore. Yet here I was, relaxing in my bed and wishing I could force my eyes to shut so that I can dream about the world around me and what it would have been like to grow up. To grow old with my family and watch Sasuke become a ninja. To see Shisui and I fall in love with someone, get married and have kids; to see the same for my little brother. I just wanted to see the Uchiha's get stronger and bond closer with this village we lived in. It was all I ever wanted; for there to be peace amongst us all and for us to live happily with them. Yet there was no way I could do that now. Instead I would have to watch from a distance, as far as the other side of the gate, standing by Kami's side and looking down.

"_You still have a destiny to fill young one…"_

The voice echoed throughout my head, ringing in it and causing my headache to become worse. What did he mean by that? What did he mean I had a destiny I needed to fill? I couldn't figure out what this man or creature could want for me. Their voice echoed on and on for what felt like hours when really it was only seconds since the thoughts had begun. This constant pounding growing stronger and stronger with time that passed, a tapping noise getting louder and louder until I couldn't take it anymore! I just wanted the noise to stop!

Yet it seemed like for right now something so simple would be impossible to beg for. Something so simple as some peace, relaxation, silence or maybe just a clear answer would be too much to ask for when it was all I wanted. '_I just want to be heard by them!'_

I curled up and held my head between my knees, feeling the pain grow stronger and stronger until eventually I couldn't handle it anymore; I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could letting anyone who could catch it know I was in pain, know I was there in need of help. And I knew deep down that no one would be able to hear me no matter how loud I was. No one was coming to save me from this pain that occurred.

I was all alone.

Yet I heard the door open and could tell someone was poking their head in. I could hear their footsteps coming towards the bed and could feel the shifting in the bed as a small body crawled on, lying down next to me. As I slowly let my eyes open I could see a pair of big, bright coal eyes staring into mine sadly as if he could feel the pain radiating off of me, as if he could have heard my screams.

"Big brother… I miss you…"

Sasuke's voice was so soft as it gently cracked, and I could tell he was crying. I let my eyes stay on his as I slide my arm around him, trying to pull him to me. I watched as he cuddled my sheets probably hoping that I would appear there if he did. "Silly boy," I whispered softly as I watched him drift off to sleep, "you should sleep in your own bed where mom and dad think you are. You don't want mom freaking out thinking she lost us both when really you just want to be here with me."

A small grumble left his mouth as he finally fell into a deep sleep and for a moment I could have sworn that it meant he heard me. That somehow he could tell I was really here and that I was holding him to me wanting to rock him to sleep. But I knew there wasn't a way he possibly could. There wasn't a way I could possibly reach out to him for a long period of time. When he looked at me and ran it was only a fluke. There wasn't a way for me to know how to get to him.

I deemed it though that it would be my destiny to watch over him and keep him safe anyway I could. That I would stay by his side and watch him grow up. I didn't care about my killer; all I cared about was that he was alright.

And with that I let myself drift off to sleep.

It was a peaceful sleep that I reluctantly woke from in the morning to my mother petting Sasuke's head. "I miss him too Sasuke… But you shouldn't sleep in here. I was worried you were lost for good."

Sasuke held to her whispering a soft apology, asking if it was alright for him to go out for a bit. My mother seemed to think hard about it before giving a gentle nod. "Be safe; just promise me you'll come back safe."

Sasuke smiled wide. "I promise! I just want to visit brother."

'_Visit me?'_

My mother nodded and let him go. Sasuke bolted from the room, down to the kitchen. I quickly followed wanting to see where I was now; where they let me be. I followed Sasuke as he grabbed his shoes, sliding them on, and ran out of the house. I tried to keep up with his little legs as he crossed the village all the way to the shinobi graves.

There stood a medium granite tomb stone with the Uchiha symbol on it, all the way in the back. I stood still, watching Sasuke approach it, as I could feel my heart breaking. It was too surreal for me, and I just couldn't believe it. The feelings of denial rose in me again as I ran my fingers over the top of it before lifting myself up, sitting on top of it. It was real, all of this was real and not a dream that I would wake from. This was solid, this was here, this was proof that I was no more and my existence was at an end. But I had a destiny to keep Sasuke safe and watch him grow old. I would see him grown up to be happy.

"Big brother," Sasuke's voice cracked again as he begun to spoke, "I miss you… so much… and I love you…"

I smiled softly down at him. "I'm right here Sasuke… I love you too…"

* * *

Watch out for the sequel of this. What will happen when Sasuke grows up to be an officer and find out who was the one who killed his precious big brother? How will he age and who will he become? And will Itachi be proud and figure out if it was truly his destiny to stay by his brother's side to make sure that he grew up to be happy? Or is there something greater planned for him?

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